Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Mistakes?

the first time
i said 21 and defiant
i'm not happy, i'm done
i'm crazy and can do whatever i want and you'll still want me
you'll still take me back you love me and i know it
i was impatient
i wanted to have everything i wanted when i wanted it
i expected it
and not from life experience...just from you.
and when i came back and said
i'm sorry i love you i made a mistake
you said i'm sorry i can't, i won't.
and if you had, would you have cheated on me anyway?

when people ask about my relationships i tend to brush that one off. 'oh it was just silly. a friend from high school, it only lasted 5 months and we were never in the same city.' but it wasn't silly. i always had my 'cool girl attitude' but i was in it. i was so in it i didn't even know. i acted tough and untouchable, but it took me a year to recover even a little. over something so silly, right?

and i can't help but wonder if i'm making the same thing now.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

at once i was beautiful and mysterious
i am now a large-print book open
ready
waiting
READ ME

So why? Confidence lost...desperation?
it's ok amanda you've never known you've never thought you were anything

Sunday, March 19, 2017

5-5-5-5

heartbreak on heartbreak on heartbreak
the others seem so frivolous now
but they are my life
and life is fucking precious
fucking fleeting
must cherish even the silliest of things
ex-boyfriends and old crushes, flames extinguished

it's all ok. it's ok to feel and it's ok to let go. it's ok to care and it's ok to care too much. everything is ok. more than ok, everything is to be thankful for - even when it hurts. it's ok to feel. feeling is human and it's ok it's ok we all do it stop pretending we don't have to be unfeeling robots, we don't have to be tough. you don't have to be tough amanda you don't have to be tough and stop apologizing for being soft. those moments of softness are beautiful meaningful moments (and god i don't care that i sound like someone i'd tell to shut the fuck up) to be celebrated. i am a human that cares for other humans and i know i'm never going to be number 1 on my list of priorities. that's me and that's it. anyone who has ever called me selfish and caused me to question that part of myself: i forgive you for you couldn't have meant it. i care for you and i care what you think of me. i care if you love me, i care if you think i'm beautiful, i care if you think i'm kind and smart and generous. i care and i have time for your shit, always have time for this shit. and i do need this. and i will continue to take the abuse because it's worth it to me.


girl, you were always an angel.




Friday, March 10, 2017

Lessons Learned


I'll never forget the day. It was a day not so unlike today. Thank you for picking me up. I can't remember a time I've been more happy to see anyone in my life. 

I guess it doesn't pay to be coy or play it cool.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

holes in the lace

I'm definitely dying inside.
I just want to say I'm so sorry to anyone I ever made feel this way.
I'm so sorry.
my insides have turned to sludge and are sliding down the walls of the hollow cave that is my torso.
Nothing was spared, nothing was spared.
You obliterated my entire being
but you didn't do it alone

there was a time not so long ago that I could have rolled with every single one of these punches,
but now I just take the hits. over and over and over and over. crimson and clover.

you've all claimed to love me. what does your love mean if it doesn't last a lifetime? you all think I'm tough and don't feel these things. but when i told you i loved you, it means i'll always love you although the movements may change. Yes I'm tough, but I used to be tougher. I used to say 'oh well if that's how it is...fuck you.' and i used to WALK AWAY. why is it so hard to walk now?

WHY DO I DWELL? Don't i have enough in my life to keep me from dwelling on someone who clearly doesn't give a shit about me? I do, so why do i MAKE TIME? Well no more of that, no more of that.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Procrastination Paralysis

Hello hi here I am yet another year older still doing the same shit. I had a school breakthrough in 2014 and excelled MASSIVELYYYY, but i'm back to my old tricks so what's up last minute cutie i don't wanna study i don't wanna.

I'm actually terrified of getting less than an A in anything. Who am I?? Also it feels totally possible to get an A in all my classes but I'm choosing to freak out and stare at the wall instead.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

écrasez l'infâme

just it. écrasez l'infâme, s'il vous plaît. por favor
drillbits
chowder
sequins yes please

the way it was and the way it used to be
the way it is
the way it is
is is now it's now let's make it now

whole lot of bergs