Sunday, October 22, 2017

Letters to the Universe

They had nothing for me to do at work last night, so I laid on the futon in the girl's locker room and fell asleep. Once asleep, I began to dream.




I dreamt it was you and me and old friends and new lovers
it was you and me:
old friends, no longer lovers.
and it was so nice
it was oh so nice.
to see that elusive smile again
to be together in front of everyone, feel not devious,
not subversive
just happy.
everyone happy.
what a dream that would be.

Friday, September 29, 2017

I Want to Rock Your Gypsy Soul

I sit here alone in my apartment at 4:53 in the morning finishing off a bag of salt and vinegar chips and drinking coke out of a mug because I can. Because no one is watching and the only people who can think anything of it are the ones who will read this and by then it will be too late and there will be nothing they can say to change my behavior or make me feel guilty for it.

I am 31 years old. I haven't perfected living, and know I never will. I think sometimes that I am immature for my age...that I am somehow stunted and incorrect. That I should have a husband and children by now - I should wear heels to work and be a mother. Be a caretaker, a teacher, a comfort, and a disciplinarian. I shouldn't worry about acting immature because i shouldn't be doing it. I shouldn't be eating like a slob at 5am at all. If I wasn't doing it I wouldn't have to worry about someone telling me don't do it
don't do it
stop doing it
grow up
you're too old for this
I don't know if there is any efficacy to either way of thinking or if both sides have their merits. All it dictates really is who you get along with, who you can relate to. Are you a disciplined, respected adult? Are you a 5am unhealthy slob who just wants to be left alone? And all the combinations and permutations of traits and tics we have. And we have so much.
No matter how little our pockets hold our minds are full.
Sometimes it's thunder
sometimes it's overcast
foggy
hazy
sunny
But sometimes it's summer's heat lightning coming from all corners of the dark night sky to interweave and connect, culminating in a burst of beauty that cannot be ignored.

I wonder what I'm doing here; I wonder what I'm doing on earth, in life, in the Bronx, at my job, in school - I wonder what I'm doing eating junk food at 5:16am on a Friday morning. I wonder if I do any of these things for a purpose, and if so how many? How many serve a long term goal? How many serve only as an escape from the rest?

I wonder for what I am searching.
I wonder if I am searching at all.
Then I decide: I am sure I am searching for something, and not because I have an idea of what it is, but because I have an eternal restlessness within me that will not be quelled.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Mistakes?

the first time
i said 21 and defiant
i'm not happy, i'm done
i'm crazy and can do whatever i want and you'll still want me
you'll still take me back you love me and i know it
i was impatient
i wanted to have everything i wanted when i wanted it
i expected it
and not from life experience...just from you.
and when i came back and said
i'm sorry i love you i made a mistake
you said i'm sorry i can't, i won't.
and if you had, would you have cheated on me anyway?

when people ask about my relationships i tend to brush that one off. 'oh it was just silly. a friend from high school, it only lasted 5 months and we were never in the same city.' but it wasn't silly. i always had my 'cool girl attitude' but i was in it. i was so in it i didn't even know. i acted tough and untouchable, but it took me a year to recover even a little. over something so silly, right?

and i can't help but wonder if i'm making the same thing now.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

at once i was beautiful and mysterious
i am now a large-print book open
ready
waiting
READ ME

So why? Confidence lost...desperation?
it's ok amanda you've never known you've never thought you were anything

Sunday, March 19, 2017

5-5-5-5

heartbreak on heartbreak on heartbreak
the others seem so frivolous now
but they are my life
and life is fucking precious
fucking fleeting
must cherish even the silliest of things
ex-boyfriends and old crushes, flames extinguished

it's all ok. it's ok to feel and it's ok to let go. it's ok to care and it's ok to care too much. everything is ok. more than ok, everything is to be thankful for - even when it hurts. it's ok to feel. feeling is human and it's ok it's ok we all do it stop pretending we don't have to be unfeeling robots, we don't have to be tough. you don't have to be tough amanda you don't have to be tough and stop apologizing for being soft. those moments of softness are beautiful meaningful moments (and god i don't care that i sound like someone i'd tell to shut the fuck up) to be celebrated. i am a human that cares for other humans and i know i'm never going to be number 1 on my list of priorities. that's me and that's it. anyone who has ever called me selfish and caused me to question that part of myself: i forgive you for you couldn't have meant it. i care for you and i care what you think of me. i care if you love me, i care if you think i'm beautiful, i care if you think i'm kind and smart and generous. i care and i have time for your shit, always have time for this shit. and i do need this. and i will continue to take the abuse because it's worth it to me.


girl, you were always an angel.




Friday, March 10, 2017

Lessons Learned


I'll never forget the day. It was a day not so unlike today. Thank you for picking me up. I can't remember a time I've been more happy to see anyone in my life. 

I guess it doesn't pay to be coy or play it cool.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

holes in the lace

I'm definitely dying inside.
I just want to say I'm so sorry to anyone I ever made feel this way.
I'm so sorry.
my insides have turned to sludge and are sliding down the walls of the hollow cave that is my torso.
Nothing was spared, nothing was spared.
You obliterated my entire being
but you didn't do it alone

there was a time not so long ago that I could have rolled with every single one of these punches,
but now I just take the hits. over and over and over and over. crimson and clover.

you've all claimed to love me. what does your love mean if it doesn't last a lifetime? you all think I'm tough and don't feel these things. but when i told you i loved you, it means i'll always love you although the movements may change. Yes I'm tough, but I used to be tougher. I used to say 'oh well if that's how it is...fuck you.' and i used to WALK AWAY. why is it so hard to walk now?

WHY DO I DWELL? Don't i have enough in my life to keep me from dwelling on someone who clearly doesn't give a shit about me? I do, so why do i MAKE TIME? Well no more of that, no more of that.