it's a wonderful lie

At this point I should probably address this thing to one person because they're the only one who reads it!! Well, shout out - thanks for being such a loyal subscriber and I hope this entry doesn't disappoint any more than the others :)

I've decided that getting older is alright. Being 30 is rad. I actually feel better now that the anxiety of turning 30 is over, which seems to have regressed me to a much younger me...not being the most responsible adult these days. Or the most reasonable. I obviously care a little because I'm aware of it, but really not more than that.

Do you know how many people have told me 'no?' Well you can count yourself and two others. The first I took horribly. I still wish he was dead. Relax, though, not just because of that. Horrible human being, but you know that. The last I took pretty badly as well, but only internally. Still the love of my life, but I'll get over it. So that leaves one...the one in the middle. Horrible. I barely talked to anyone for months. I barely left the house. Oh baby baby baby I'm sure I told you; I took it so hard.
And it was me who did it!
How's that
for something
There aren't many who know how much I really love. I get called 'cold' and 'distant' frequently, but I'm really not either of these; I just save it up. Once I said, 'If you asked me to marry you right now, I wouldn't say no,' and meant it with all the little brain cells I had at the time. It wasn't romantic (and not all that positive!); it was pathetic, but I don't regret saying it...it is these little vulnerable moments I've made that make me just as real as anyone and for that I'd never take them back.

I remember where I was when I said that. I remember it was March 16 2008. I remember I was just about to leave, and when I did you let me. You turned your back before the T doors closed. You let me leave. You let me and for that I cried.

I'd like to say none of this matters, but it does. It really does. Sometimes it kills me to think of. Sometimes it makes me smile. Sometimes I wonder what made me say that. I wonder if I meant it like I thought I did. It was unprovoked; I came up with it on my own, probably seemingly out of nowhere to anyone else. I wonder if I did mean it, would I have followed through like I said I would. I wonder if I said it because I was young and wanted to see what talking about marriage felt like. I wonder if I said it because you're all I ever wanted.
I wonder these things and truthfully I believe I would have followed through.
Truthfully, I wonder if I would be happy.
We would have cheated on each other
We didn't know enough
I would have hated you for cheating on me
but I have gotten over it
Do you know that my mom still doesn't like you?
no one wants to see their little girl cry.

The point is, I think we would have figured it out. We would have gone through a lot, but we would have figured it out...whatever that means. I have no way of imagining what my life would be like now if that had been it. Better? Worse? The same? Or would it just be a different version of wondering what could have been?

It's funny because this is not what I intended to write about...it's ok though because I'm happy thinking about all this. the ice snowballs the clothes I wore you fit into the rain the time you said everyone looking at us would be jealous I never really felt pretty it's one thing to display yourself the way you want to be perceived but to have it validated in private actually means a lot you may not realize i've never thought aboutitmyselfuntiljustnow