Back in the New York Groove

I'm back! You know I was never gone, but this journal is the least of my worries, and no one is reading it anyway...literally NO ONE. Maybe when I die someone will find this. Do I want them to?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the things I wouldn't want people to find or know about me if I was found dead. It sounds morbid, but maybe it is and maybe I am. These are real concerns, though, people!! Your facebook account isn't going to just disappear when whoever runs facebook now is alerted of the news of your death; someone very close to you is going to have to delete it, and depending on who they are...they may look through it, they may not. Also if your death was suspicious, I've learned from TV that the police are going to look through it.

I have like 50 different journals going right now. To read it would KILL the people around me. I have a few people I talk to IRL (trying to stay young so I don't lose touch with the millenz...although I may want to) that are always there for me, and I them. Sometimes it's just not enough...or texting doesn't cut it, or hey! a couple people recently just cut you out of their lives completely. One cut me without an explanation or any words at all, not that we talked often but it still hurts. I dropped the other. Two years ago...I thought it was for the best. Then we began talking again maybe 9-10 months later and I realized how much I missed you...how much I loved having you around. Off and on for the next year we had great times and a couple bad ones, but generally I thought things were good. Then you tell me you're depressed and have to figure you're shit out because you feel like your life is falling apart and you have to get back to YOU. Ok...I get that...I understand that. But we can't keep this up, Amanda. It's not good for either of us, Amanda. We need to stop this so we can both find a person who's right for each of us. yeah well fuck you.

I don't regret the old stuff, and maybe someone I used to be would feel used or embarrassed, but I just want it back. I am so frustrated, but am also mostly ok. it's taken almost a month but i'm pretty much ok bye