Sunday, December 29, 2013

Fireflies, Fleeting Feelings

And here I am again, restless.

I now sit where I fell asleep last night: the couch. This evil piece of IKEA shit has me in its clutches like whoa. LIKE WHOA. Dave woke me up when he came home this morning around 7 and we went to bed. I was super pissed when the alarm I set went off at 10:03am. I came straight to the couch and fell asleep almost immediately only to wake up at 1:20 pissed that I had 25 mins to take a shower and get ready for work.

Then I realized I don't work today. God how this shit has consumed my life. I've been told this is normal for someone my age, but I refuse to accept. It's also fucking raining outside so WHATEVER it's ok that it's now after 4 and I haven't done shit. Shit, except read my journal entries from the last year, which was interesting. I was at my parents' house in Miami for Christmas last year when I was told remove all my belongings haha and found some stuff I wrote one summer in Wisconsin. It was a lot of very precise, descriptive chronicling of the quotidian from one teenage summer written on dot matrix paper and paper-clipped together. Without even reading for content, I made my New Year's Resolution; I used fucking dot matrix paper. I used whatever I could find then bound it together as an afterthought. So I said I'd write like that this year. Every day. Just to remember what was going on in my life, 2013.

 I did a decent job. I never missed a month, but I wrote far from every day. I say 'decent' because while reading the shit today I realized how much changes even when you could swear you're in the same goddamn place you were a year ago. Plus, any time I forget that I had a dream in which I gave up on making a salad after realizing I was sans bacon, I have this gem to remind me.

It really is remarkable, though. I get so frustrated that I haven't done enough and with how stagnant my life is, when all I have to do is look back at my little words and see how different things are. What I was going through a year ago, how strongly I felt about certain things that don't even exist in my life today, the amazing difference the seasons make! I've never had a tattoo, never had a baby, but just about a year ago I experienced the most painful thing I ever have in all senses of the word. That's my '10' on a scale of 1-10, and I've broken an ankle, a thumb, had stitches, still get occasionally get migraines so bad I puke, had butt sex, umm what else. Pretty amateur list, but more importantly, there are things I didn't include that most people would complain about because I just deal with them because I'm THAT HARDCORE. Also I just slipped one in there to shock/disgust you, which is what ...he said, and I was only talking about the first time...SO, I'm talking a lot. The last two are what are what really interest me.

This is what the M15 looks like at 4am Christmas morning coming home from the bar. So - seasons! How they change things - how I feel, the way I get to work, (the way I see it) my ability (or desire) to go outside and enjoy the world..

ok i got distracted with dumb's better because this was getting too long to hold anyone's attention - I'll finish this later. No, I won't.

Life cray.

I've got no direction without her little fingers
    I want you to say
The admission of weakness I have great admiration for.


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