Monday, December 30, 2013

with a purple heart and a monkey on his back

so oh god i've fallen into a drunken youtube vortex. goddamn this smart tv. it's too smart and i'm too dumb the disparity too great for fairness.

sometimes i've no love anywhere in my body. i look around and am disgusted by all i see. i am impressed by nothing and scowl at laughing children. i curse under my breath at people who walk too close to me and shoulder check anyone who doesn't know how to fucking walk like a normal person.
-why the fuck do you have to walk so close to me
-you keep smacking your lips eating that SUBWAY sandwich, i'm getting off this goddamn bus
-ha ha ha yeah it's so fun being alive isn't it kid

There was a girl of about 13 standing next to me on the downtown C the other day as I was going to work. She was staring at me, unabashedly. She'd look at my face from time to time, but I guess mainly she was looking at my clothes. My body. I remember being that age at Publix, looking at the girls from the University of Miami shop for produce. Tanned legs, short shorts, baggy t-shirts, perfect skin, perfect hair. I wanted to be them so badly. I wondered if this girl saw in me what I saw in them. I'm sure those girls were far from perfect, but to me they had it all. They probably had a boyfriend who slept in their bed. They probably had 10 perfect romances. They got straight As and were going to be pretty, thin doctors or lawyers someday soon with gorgeous, successful boyfriends (never husbands, never children). They were going to trade their Soffes, t-shirts and flip flops for perfectly fitting suits and heels and my mom made me come to the store but wouldn't let me get Cinnamon Toast Crunch.


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