Wednesday, February 26, 2014

All I Need to Remember

I had a bad morning.
I awoke at 5:16am to the door buzzer, which bothers me for two reasons: it's an even time and it's early.
I fell asleep in my glasses.
I turned on the living room light and it burned out. This made our apartment darker than it is and darkness makes me crazy!!
I could barely fit the carafe in the sink while filling it to make coffee because of all the dishes.
This made me disproportionally angry.
I hate dirty dishes, but it's not a big deal. Not a big deal, Amanda.
I did the dishes in an angry way.
Dave woke up earlier than he usually does and turned on the TV. The news is so stupid these days I can't take it.

What I'm saying is that my routine was interrupted and this has me out of sorts because my morning was out of sorts!! I usually wake up, make coffee....clean what little there is to clean (I like to clean up before I go to sleep so when I arise everything is nice and neat and comfortable), write in all my little notebooks and look at Instagram. It's lame, but it's what I do. I drink coffee on the couch under my soft blanket and do these things and that's how I like it.

I still haven't replaced my back bike tube nor have I finished writing about my trip to Miami and that's something I really need to do before I forget it all. I'm so afraid of all the things in my recent memory. I'm afraid of them because I know they're fleeting. They'll go to some part of my recall that is patchy and colored by nostalgia. I won't know what's real and what I've made up to make peace with my past. There is so much to be loved and I need it to be genuine. I want to love what I loved and hate what I hated and feel indifferent about what didn't really matter.


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