Bikini Talk

So I have a problem buying bathing suits size-wize.
I know almost no one reads this (or just don't have the decency to comment!!), so I'm not shy about posting a bunch of pictures of my ass, which is what's about to happen.
Along with that, this is neither a cry for lewd attention nor is it an embarrassing shot to show my out of shape ass. (I went running yesterday, but goddamn...I turned into a fucking pear over the last 4 or 5 years)

So the deal is, Small is generally too tight around the "waist" and Medium generally too loose. I don't do 'too tight around the waist' because it makes you look fat, even if you're not. And 'too loose'...if you're like me and enjoy playing around in the waves at the beach, having to pull them up every time the current moves is just obnoxious.

So here we go:

Small #1: Marc by Marc Jacobs

Too much squeeze cheese at the waist. Gross, but not as bad as what's coming up.











Small #2: Marc by Marc Jacobs

Less squeeze, but the cut? Yuck. I already have a small ass...let's not make it smaller, full coverage. I ain't havin' full coverage.










Small #3: Marc by Marc Jacobs

So no squeeze because of the side ties, which I'm generally against because they tend to be less secure and therefore cause the problem I mentioned earlier about getting in the ocean. I love the fucking beach and I like to be able to enjoy it to its fullest. I also like to be able to do things spur of the moment; like if there is some sort of spontaneous dive competition (that never happens) or if you get to the beach and realize the surf is amazing...you don't want to be wearing one of these.

As far as looks go, though, this one's winning my heart. It's a good lay out on the beach bottom...just gotta make sure the strings don't leave any weird tan lines. I hate tan lines.

Less coverage = better!!

Small #4: OP

                        

Ugh. So here's where it starts getting embarrassing. Way too much squeeze. Disgusting all around.

Small #5: Roxy by Quiksilver

Again, gross. How did I ever wear this. My ass looks horrible. Squeeze and flatten...that's what all women want their bikini to do. So I've shown a lot of smalls...let's try a Medium next. Maybe my ass is just built for a Medium, right?

Medium #1: Aerie by American Eagle

These were nice and cheap and I've worn them for a couple years now. They're my fallback when I feel like I can't fit into anything else...they might look like they fit (unless you notice that they're crooked, meaning they move even while dry and not getting knocked around by waves), but I'm still not digging my ass in these.

Small #6: American Apparel

Last year, I went to American Apparel with the express purpose of buying solid black bikini bottoms. Their sizing (if you're a woman and have ever been there) runs super small, so I was surprised when these fit...the cut is a little funky but of course I dug the less coverage deal. And also before you just think I have no ass at all...here you go:

It's not that impressive, but it's there.

Small #7: Roxy by Quiksilver

So again, there's no squeezing because of the ties. And the reason it looks like I took a dump in them is because they're almost 10 years old. I stole this from the Quiksilver on Collins on my 19th birthday, 2005. I don't know if that's why I can't let go of them, or if it's the lack of coverage. And again, they fall off in the water because of the ties, which is why recently I never buy bottoms with ties.

So...what have we learned? 

We learned that I went from having 2 bikini bottoms when I lived in Miami to 7 now that I live in New York. 

We learned I hate coverage.

We will now learn: the Marc Jacobs shit I bought at a 90% off sale that I just happened to walk past and took a chance...that's why there's so much of it!

So now...please. I don't care if you comment anonymously or insultingly or both...tell me which is the winner and which is the loser. (I'm already getting rid of Small #2...no worries)