Tuesday, January 12, 2016

These years I've been away haven't been too kind

Fucking swan. Check out the full size version though; I got a new camera and it is rad. You can see the water droplets on his head.

What is this
what is all this?
what is any of it
and whose rules are we playing by?
I fucking hate this game
can we call it a draw
I know a better game.

Weak. Weak. Weak. But I'm not. I've let myself use that word to describe my current state, which is really something else entirely. 
And see I can never call myself complacent, mainly because I'm too goddamn anxious to be happy with the status quo, yet I make no new moves, no risks to create something new. 

And GOD I feel like my brain stops working here and there. I begin a sentence with a clear thought and lose the whole point and have difficulty concentrating even long enough to finish the thought. And I never feel like I say what I want to say. It's scary and my first thought is my brain is damaged by drugs or if not drugs, then MS. I have no family history of MS. But it scares the shit out of me. 

And if I'm so scared of having a degenerative condition, why am I not enjoying the time I have now? WHY WHY WHYW HWYWHWHW WHY HAVE I WASTED SO MUCH TIME

I am often happy. I am nearly always momentarily happy around others just talking shit. I do this to myself. 

It's so dumb because when I was younger I definitely had some pretty crazy social anxiety (off and on, though, I think...and I don't want to speculate too much on the past because there's no way of recollecting accurately because the joke is that hindsight is 20/20, and we tend to think it's more like 20/10, when it is really 20/300), but at this point I am pretty comfortable with myself in a social context. I want people I don't know to like me. But once I've gotten that, I'm not interested in trying to impress anyone. When someone gets upset about something I see no reason to be upset about, I try to understand, but resolve that I just can't get close to that person because wtf that's just too much. I so rarely find people that I feel I could be friends with...like one every couple years. I've always been too picky. Too picky for someone who is not all that great themselves. Super attractive, I know.


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