What is this
god
what is all this?
what is any of it
and whose rules are we playing by?
I fucking hate this game
can we call it a draw
I know a better game.
Weak. Weak. Weak. But I'm not. I've let myself use that word to describe my current state, which is really something else entirely.
Bored
Uninspired
LAZY
And see I can never call myself complacent, mainly because I'm too goddamn anxious to be happy with the status quo, yet I make no new moves, no risks to create something new.
And GOD I feel like my brain stops working here and there. I begin a sentence with a clear thought and lose the whole point and have difficulty concentrating even long enough to finish the thought. And I never feel like I say what I want to say. It's scary and my first thought is my brain is damaged by drugs or if not drugs, then MS. I have no family history of MS. But it scares the shit out of me.
And if I'm so scared of having a degenerative condition, why am I not enjoying the time I have now? WHY WHY WHYW HWYWHWHW WHY HAVE I WASTED SO MUCH TIME
I am often happy. I am nearly always momentarily happy around others just talking shit. I do this to myself.
It's so dumb because when I was younger I definitely had some pretty crazy social anxiety (off and on, though, I think...and I don't want to speculate too much on the past because there's no way of recollecting accurately because the joke is that hindsight is 20/20, and we tend to think it's more like 20/10, when it is really 20/300), but at this point I am pretty comfortable with myself in a social context. I want people I don't know to like me. But once I've gotten that, I'm not interested in trying to impress anyone. When someone gets upset about something I see no reason to be upset about, I try to understand, but resolve that I just can't get close to that person because wtf that's just too much. I so rarely find people that I feel I could be friends with...like one every couple years. I've always been too picky. Too picky for someone who is not all that great themselves. Super attractive, I know.
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