a present clarity

we both know i'm not what you need and i can't quit you baby

every one of you have a piece of my heart; some have bigger pieces than others, but those pieces have shaped a beautiful loving heart that can never stop giving. I don't care if I drop dead from a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack, it will have all been worth it. I've loved some with half a heart, some with a broken heart, others fiercely and intensely with the whole damn thing. To the last ones, you know who you are because I begged and pleaded and cried and cried. It took me years to be at peace over some of those loves, but you still have some of me. always will.

this may seem unrelated and it may be! at least partially.
i tend to think i am boring. lazy. that i let myself miss out on things. then i look at others. then i look inside myself and don't think that anymore. we all prioritize and do what is important to us, and i'm no exception. i don't regret the life i've lived, and i wouldn't have it any other way. sometimes it takes an outside perspective - someone saying 'you don't give yourself enough credit' 'i wish i had your life' 'i wish i could do what you do' 'look at what you've accomplished.' I brush these comments off regularly, but there are days like this one where i appreciate the sentiment of each of those statements, and THANK YOU to those of you who have taken the time to appreciate me enough to say them.

i am not outwardly intense, but inside i'm a goddamn hurricane. i've used this force for good - only wished bad on one person my whole life, and i know he'll never get his. everyone else who's told me 'no,' who's broken my heart, who's wished me ill, who's treated me badly - i may not wish you the best, but i want nothing bad for anyone. that first and only time i wished bad on someone was so weird for me because as much as i pushed away my slightly Catholic upbringing, there are some things that are hard to shake. even now, so far removed from my childhood, i feel it so wrong to wish bad things on anyone, no matter how shitty they are to you, no matter how evil they are.
my conscience is clear.

and clarity is where i live now.